Doctor, Is Online Porn Causing my Headaches?

So my doctor suggested that I become a vegetarian … because I'm fat. That's right. Meat is the bane of my flabby existence. I had it coming though. I asked him about weight loss surgery. This isn't the first time I've thought about it. I have been researching and considering it for at least four years. With my last doctor and insurance company I had reached the level of surgery consultation. But the employer who provides my health insurance, in its infinite wisdom, chose to play the "find the cheapest insurance" game and we had to switch. So, it was back to the drawing board. For those of you who aren't rotund, it might be difficult to understand how hard it was to even bring this up with my physician. So, I will try to create an analogy. Imagine you have to ask your doctor if the amount of time you spend online looking at porn and subsequent self-love sessions are adversely affecting your health. Now, you may have a cool doctor who, without batting an eye, says "of course not. So long as you are maintaining the proper ergonomic position at your computer. You need to be careful that you don't develop carpal tunnel regardless of whether you are actually using the keyboard." But, if the world were full of those kind of doctors we would have no worries. In reality, the world is full of doctors, who immediately give you the "you spend how much time looking at porn?!" face and tell you that, while the hairy palm thing is an old wive's tale, you should spend more time outdoors involved in sports activities. Yeah - tell that to a 15 year old boy with a computer in his room and a lock on his door.

And that, my friends, is what it is like to discuss obesity in a doctor's office. "Are you sure you don't want to give dieting a try?" As if countless failed New Year's resolutions, failed stints in Weight Watchers and a general feeling of low self worth are the results of whims that I never took seriously. "Losing weight is simply a matter of taking in less calories than you use." Simply …. that's a loaded term. As if the millions of overweight people in America choose to live a more difficult life. Because being fat and not being able to find inexpensive clothing that fits, not being able to use the lap belt on an airplane, having your kids teased at school because their mom is fat is simple. I wish I could find a fat doctor. Maybe then I could count on them to have enough guilt about their weight (as most of us do) to not be brazen enough to tell me it's as easy as cutting calories.

Because it isn't. I have to fight 31 years of bad habits, genetics, shame, and fear of failure. And I have to fight anger. Anger at a world that sees weight loss surgery as a cop out. Angry at a world that feels "oh so sad" for people who suffer from eating disorders that leave them skin and bones, but look at fat people and shake their heads, while muttering to themselves, "they need to just stop eating." Right. Fat people need to just stop eating and all Karen Carpenter had to do was keep her finger out of her throat. It's never that simple. And it certainly isn't fair to promote that belief. Carpenter gets sappy made for tv movies and Mama Cass gets "choking on a sandwich" jokes. Weight loss surgery is a tool. Something to be used in conjunction with a change in lifestyle. Something to help make up for the fact that I know people who eat twice as much as me and never gain a pound. Something to help get the weight off of my joints quicker so that exercise feels like it is helping … not hurting my body.

By the way … online porn is fine. If you notice any symptoms like fatigue, headaches, or shakiness it means you probably haven't eaten in a few hours and you forgot your glasses.